Sleep Issues in the Developing Toddler

Sleep issues are common in the developing toddler. They range from problems going to sleep at night, to waking at night, and getting up too early. These problems are a normal part of development, and can be resolved in handled correctly.

Waking Because Of Discomfort

It is important to assess whether or not your toddler is waking because of discomfort. Is he teething? Is he ill or has he recently recovered from an illness? If so, then his immediate needs require being addressed. Once those needs are met, if he is usually a good sleeper, then he will eventually return to his normal sleep patterns.

Staying In Bed

This is a common problem in many households. In fact, over the years I've watched each employer I've had struggle with this issue of keeping their children in bed at night.

Establish a routine! It is so important to establish a comfortable nighttime routine that becomes familiar to the child. Allow time for him to settle down and calm his body. Begin immediately after dinner by giving him a bath, putting on his pajamas, combing his hair and brushing his teeth. Then allow him to watch a video, read books to him, or simply cuddle with him. Do not allow him to run around, drag out the toys, or be rambunctious! Insist that he remain calm. Fifteen minutes before bedtime, send him to the bathroom, and then tell him to get in bed. Allow him to take a sippy cup of water to bed (no juice or milk). Prayers are in important part of some family routines. Be sure to say something like, "I want you to stay in your bed. If you get out of bed, I am not going to talk with you. I will bring you back to your bed and put you back in it." Then give him a kiss on the cheek, tell him you love him, and then it is lights out.

If he is like most children, you will soon hear the pitter patter of little feet. This is where most parents and caregivers get it wrong. Do not engage in conversation with him (assuming there is no dire emergency). Silently and calmly walk him back to his room, put him in the bed and leave. You may have to do this twenty times a night (or more) for the first week or so.

Do not fret! Eventually he will begin to stay in his bed. It takes commitment on the caregiver's part to teach healthy sleep habits to a small child. Granted, it is so much easier to just let him fall asleep in front of the TV and then carry him to his room and put him in the bed. However, it is in his best interest to help him develop health sleep habits that carry into adulthood!

I have found that with some children, it is helpful to have a special toy or blanket that is only associated with "going to sleep" time. This may be a soft blanket, favorite Teddy Bear, or a glow-in-the-dark Care Bear.

Waking Up At Night

Even children with healthy sleep patterns may go through periods where they start waking up at night. I have noticed that this often happens when they are entering a new development stage, such as learning to talk. For example, a two year old that I nannied for began waking up and wanting to talk about anything and everything as his skills progressed. If a new skill is the cause of night waking, then it will probably correct itself.

Some toddlers wake up at night wanting to eat. If this is the case, then they are long overdue for being weaned from night feedings. Do not give them milk or juice to drink in bed. only water. Chances are they will not drink it all before going to sleep, so if they wake up thirsty, they will still have their drink. Make sure that they get plenty to eat during the day and keep meals on a schedule.

Avoid crutches! Lying down with a child who wakes up during the night gives him a crutch to get him back to sleep. It is important to teach him to put himself to sleep. If you put him down at night with a soft blanket or a favorite teddy bear, then when he wakes up at night, he can use that as a comfort and fall back asleep.

If waking up at night continues to be a problem, then consider reducing his nap times during the day. It may be that he has entered a stage where he only needs one nap a day instead of two. He may only need a one hour nap instead of a two hour nap. Reduce naps 15 minutes at a time until he is sleeping through the night. Another route is to move his bedtime back 15 minutes at a time until he is able to sleep at night.

Waking Up Too Early

This sleep problem can often be corrected with one simple change: make the room darker. This can be done with dark shades/blinds or by hanging heavy drapes on the windows. If the sun is shining in his room early each morning, then he is going to think it is time to get up!

If he continues to get up, then you may consider gating off his room and leaving safe toys for him to play with until the rest of the family is up. You do not want a wandering toddler in the house when everyone is asleep. This could be very dangerous!

I have found that children who get up early often start sleeping later when they begin preschool. Perhaps this is because they are getting a lot of physical activity during the day which makes them want to sleep longer.

Never Tired

If your child never seems tired, and illness has been ruled out, then chances are he is not getting enough stimulation during the day. A routine needs to be established and physical play needs to be encouraged. It may help to cut or reduce daytime naps and reduce sugar intake.

Fear of Monsters
All children go through periods where they are afraid of monsters. Toddlers do not yet have the ability to distinguish between reality verses fantasy, and monsters are very real to them. It is important to never ridicule a child for his fears! Encourage him to talk about his fears and listen to him with sincerity!

A simple way to handle this fear is to go into his room alone after dark, lay down in his bed with the lights out and look around with a child's eyes. Do you notice shadows on the wall? Does the street light look eerie coming through the windows? Does the coat stand look like a monster? Once you see his room through a child's eyes, you will be able to make adjustments to that his room is more comfortable at night. Playing a soothing CD can help him sleep. Sometimes heavy blinds reduce shadows from outside. A nightlight can work wonders, especially if you take him shopping to pick it out himself.

I recently purchased a special flashlight for a two-year old who is "scared of monsters". It is a dinosaur flashlight. The dinosaur's mouth opens at the press of a button (the flashlight is in the mouth) and makes a big roaring sound. The thought is that the dinosaur's roar will scare off any monsters. He is now able to sleep with his flashlight "friend", and if he wakes up and is afraid, he has it right there with him.

Keeping a routine, even during this difficult time, is especially important. Consistency is key. If you change his routine, that may aid his fears. However, if you keep doing the same thing and show him there is nothing to be afraid of, he will be closer to sweet dreams and healthy sleep habits!

Copyright Jennie Krogulski, 2008

Emotional Changes After Giving Birth: The Impact of Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression, also known as PPD, is an often misunderstood illness that can take place after childbirth. It is so easily misunderstood because many think that this is something that is self-induced, when it is actually a physical disorder. Women suffering from PPD are not able to shake it off as they may if it were just a case of the blues. It is a complex and challenging disorder that often takes a woman and her family by surprise.

As a nanny, I have seen depression many times in new mommies. It is unfortunate, but they often try to hide it because they feel ashamed. It is up to those of us around a new mother to educate ourselves regarding postpartum depression and to offer support to her. There are three types of depression that women may experience after childbirth: The baby blues, Postpartum Depression, and Postpartum Psychosis.

The "Baby Blues" typically appear soon after childbirth. It may involve sudden mood swings, such as really high "highs" followed by very low "lows". The new mother may be prone to sudden tears with what appears to be no reason. She may show other signs such as feeling impatient, irritable, uninterested in things she is normally interested in, anxious, lonely, sad, or exhaustion. The baby blues generally last no loner than one to two weeks, and most of the time, don't require medical help.

Postpartum Depression is a serious condition that may be treated with counseling and medication. Symptoms may include:

• Having no energy, sluggishness, fatigue, exhaustion
• Sadness, depression, crying a lot, feeling hopeless
• Overeating and gaining weight or under eating and losing weight
• Trouble focusing, poor concentration resulting in confusion
• Difficulty in making decisions
• Memory Loss
• Overly concerned about the baby, being over protective
• Lack of interest in sexual relations
• Insomnia, or sleeping too much
• Lack of interest in the baby
• Uncontrollable crying, irritability
• Fear of harming the baby or herself
• Guilt, feeling worthless
• Headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations, panic attacks

Postpartum Psychosis is a very serious form of depression after birth and is considered a mental illness. It usually happens within the first three months after childbirth. These women need to be seen by a medical professional right away. They generally require medication and therapy to get better. Some may require hospitalization if they are a danger to themselves or others. Symptoms may include:

• Losing touch with reality
• Auditory hallucinations
• Delusions
• Visual hallucinations are much less common
• Insomnia
• Agitation
• Anger

There is one other disorder that should be known of - Postpartum Anxiety or Panic Disorder. Medication and counseling can help women conquer this disorder. Symptoms may include:

• Strong anxiety or fear
• Heart palpitations
• Heat/cold flashes
• Chest pain (panic attacks)
• Feeling shaky or dizzy

Anyone experiencing these symptoms should seek help right away.

Women of all ages, social and economic status, and ethnic backgrounds can be affected by depression after delivery. These disorders are not limited only to women who have given birth, but can also affect women who are pregnant, have miscarried, or recently weaned a child from breastfeeding. It is thought that breastfeeding may decrease or lesson the impact of PPD. Abrupt weaning or not nursing after the baby's birth causes huge changes in the mother's hormone levels. Breastfeeding can be very important to the mother experiencing PPD, as the breastfeeding relationship between the mother and child is very important. She may feel that this is the only thing she can do correctly. So, in addition to hormonal influences, breastfeeding has a healthy emotional benefit as well.

Partner support in the treatment of PPD is vital and can have a huge impact on the recovery of the new mother. At a time normally seen as a very happy and joyous occasion, the onset of PPD can be devastating to a new mother. While many people, both men and women, deal with depression at some point in their lives, it is especially difficult for the new mother because she has the added responsibilities of taking care of a very new infant. Her role of motherhood can be overwhelming. Though new fathers often go through an adjustment period, he does not have the hormonal influences that a mother does. Without the support of her partner, the new mother may have a difficult time handling both her role as new mother and her role as wife. PPD can wreak havoc on the mother and father's health, marriage, careers, friendships, and day to day living if proper steps are not taken to aid the mother in fast recovery.

Fathers, family, and friends may feel hopeless when it comes to PPD, but there are some things that they can do to support recovery. They should give support, encouragement, and hope to the mother to assist her in this time of crisis. They can do this by:

• Seeking professional help from a psychiatrist or physician that has experience in treating PPD
• Encouraging the mother to join a support group
• Assure the mother that her depression is temporary and that things will get better
• Assure the mother that she is not at fault for her depression, that it is a biological problem and that she is not alone
• Assist the mother in developing a schedule with one or two simple tasks
• Assist the mother in arranging quality childcare
• Encourage activity even when she resists, such as going out to eat, to a movie, to church functions, etc.
• Understand that sometimes even simple activities may be unbearable
• Pamper her when she needs pampering
• Do not take criticism from her personally
• Direct any frustration at her illness, not at her personally
• Take care of yourself so that you can take care of her. Talk to someone yourself if you need support.

The following support groups are available through YahooGroups

WomenwithDepression

PPDNNNetwork

PPDepression

PPD_Issues

PostPartumMothers

PostPartum

PPDandAnxiety

There is also a group available to partners of PPD sufferers:

HusbandsofDepressedWives

Copyright Jennie Krogulski 2008

Help! My Baby Has Colic!

Most professional caregivers have cared for a baby with colic and recognize the stress that comes with caring for a baby who cries so much. Colic is not a physical disorder or disease. Doctors define "colic" as continued crying for three or more hours per day. While the normal baby cries an average of just over two hours per day during his first four weeks, it is usually due to hunger, wet/soiled diapers, or other visible causes. This baby can be calmed when his needs are met. A colicky baby cannot be calmed, and sometimes the crying can wear the caregiver down to the point that she feels like joining him in his crying.

The Cause of Colic

It is unclear as to what the exact cause of colic is. The "old-timers" used to say that colic was the result of gas. But it is hard to tell what comes first, the gas or the colic, as screaming for hours on end causes the baby to swallow air, thus causing gas. Anti-gas drops have been helpful in some infants, but have had no effect on others. One possibility that doctors often mention to frazzled caregivers is GERD, gastro esophageal reflux disease. There is also the school of thought that says colic is due to a large part on the baby's temperament. The good news is that colic usually goes away by three months of age.

Milk Protein Allergies and Colic

There is one other possibility that should be considered. Some babies who are considered "colicky" are actually suffering from a milk-protein allergy. This allergy is due to the immune system mistakenly identifying a single milk protein as a threat. The immune system then attacks that protein within the child's body. There is a solution to this problem. Several formulas have been produced that break down this protein into many small pieces. Because the protein is in many small pieces, the immune system does not identify it as a threat. If this is the cause for colic, switching from breast milk or a regular formula to this specialized formula can work wonders. These formulas are very pricey, however, certainly worth the cost.

Relief for Baby

There is no one proven relief for the colicky baby, however there are some things you can do to sooth your little charge. Make sure baby is not hungry, has a dry diaper, and is comfortable temperature wise. Do not be afraid of spoiling your baby during this time in his life! It is impossible. This is the time frame babies learn to trust their caregivers and strong bonds are formed.

The Risk of Abuse

While it is hard to believe, even loving caregivers have been perpetrators in abusing infants with colic. Even the most patient of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, aunts, babysitters, nannies, and daycare workers have been found guilty of shaking a baby to death. These caregivers go off the deep end after dealing with a crying baby for hours and hours on end. When a caregiver feels she is in danger of reaching her limit with a crying baby, she should call on someone to come help her and give her a break. If she has a colicky baby, it is a good idea to have regularly scheduled breaks where someone comes to relieve her so that she can get out of the house, or simply go somewhere quiet to sleep.

The Need for Support Systems

Failure to have a support system in place can leave the caregiver frustrated and lonely. She may want to try the suggestions listed below. They can be helpful in calming a colicky baby. It is important to remember that a baby can pick up on the caregiver's feelings. If the baby senses that the caregiver is frustrated and tense, he will cry even more!

 

Tips to Soothe Baby
Suggestions that may help:

• Contact the baby's doctor to rule out medical problems.

• Walk with baby, or rock in the rocking chair.

• Try burping baby more often during his feedings to prevent gas.

• Rub his back.

• Try putting baby in swing or vibrating chair (this has been very effective with the children I have cared for with colic).

• Strap baby in an infant seat in the car and take him for a ride, or try pushing him in a stroller around the house.

• Put baby in his crib and turn on the vacuum cleaner or fan. White noise is soothing to colicky babies.

• Gripewater drops are effective with some babies and are homeopathic.

• Offer a clean finger for the baby to suck on.

• Check baby's clothing - Too hot? Cold? Tight?

• Cuddle baby while singing softly to him.

• Give baby a bath.

• Gently massage baby's tummy or back.

• Hold baby while placing weight on one foot, then another.

• Hold baby so there is slight pressure on his tummy, so that any excess gas may be expelled.

• Give baby fresh air by stepping outdoors.

• Let baby look in a mirror.

• Try removing all scented air fresheners, candles, plug-ins, and other strong chemical based products from the environment. Baby may be sensitive to them.

• Contact the doctor to see if a milk protein allergy could be to blame. A simple test can rule out this allergy.

• Put baby in a baby sling so that you can walk around doing things but that baby is still held close to you. This will free up your hands, but also enable you to keep baby snuggled. Often the moving around will sooth baby into a peaceful sleep.

If the suggestions above do not work, then try these suggestions to help cope with the frusration you may be feeling:

• Put baby in his crib, making sure he is safe, close the door. Check on him every five minutes or so. If you can, step outside for a few minutes to get away from the crying.

• Call a friend, family member, or neighbor to come over and give you a break (of course, if you are a nanny, you need the parent's permission to do this).

• Take ten deep breaths, then take ten more.

• Do something nice for yourself, such as painting your nails, playing your favorite music, making yourself some hot tea or coffee, take a shower, or read a magazine or book.

• Scrub a floor or counter - cleaning can make some people feel better.

• Write in a journal.

• Talk about your feelings with someone you can trust.

 

Copyright Jennie Krogulski 2008

Limit Setting for Your Four Year Old

I believe that love, firm boundaries, and consistency are the keys to a happy and healthy child - no matter his or her age. Four year olds are at a stage of development where independence is of the up most importance to them. They are at an in-between age where they still want to be the baby but they also want to be like the big kids. Therefore, you have to be creative in setting limits with them. You want them to know that you are the boss, but yet give them a sense of independence and self-esteem.

Keep Messages Simple

Do not go into long, drawn-out explanations of why you want your four year old to do something. Simply state your request and be done with it. Many four year olds want to debate, and if you go into a long explanation, you set yourself, and her, up for failure.

Using one word messages can be helpful at this age. For example: When she gets done going potty, say "hands". That is her reminder to wash her hands before leaving the bathroom. It becomes automatic for her to listen to one word messages, and she is less likely to argue.

 

Be Clear and Consistant

One of my favorite phrases is "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Children need you to be clear in giving directions. Once you've set limits - stick to them!

Consistency is essential for a child's sense of security and trust! The child must be told the consequence before she breaks the rule and then the consequence must be used each time the rule is broken. For example: If you tell her that she has to stay in bed after you tuck her in, then expect her to do that. If she gets up, silently walk her back to her room and put her back in bed. again and again if you have to. If you let her get up and wander into the living room to watch TV, you have sent her the message that you do not really mean what you say. That is confusing for a child.  She will push and push to find out where the boundaries really are. How unhealthy!

Use Natural Consequences

Use natural and logical consequences. If the offense was that she got up out of bed all evening, then the consequence is that she must go to bed 15 minutes early the next evening. If she breaks her brother's favorite toy (on purpose), then the consequence is that she must give her favorite toy to him. If she is being unpleasant and rude, then the consequence is that she must spend time by herself until she finds her good manners. If she is mistreating a toy, then the toy gets put away until she can treat is respectfully.

When/Then

This is a great tool to use with young children to get them to do what they do not want to do! It works like a charm.

Examples:

"When you pick up your toys, then we will do an art project."

"When you begin using your good manners, then you may come out and join our game."

"When you eat your fruit, then you may have another pretzel."

"When you take your bath, then you may watch a movie."

Reinforcement of All Things Positive

Children naturally want to please and they thrive when praised often and genuinely. Reinforce the positive behavior when possible. Their eyes light up and they often go and do the good deed all over again just to see if you notice!

"I really like the way you are helping your brother with the puzzle! You are a great teacher!"

"Thank you for putting your plate in the dishwasher! You are such a big girl helper!"

"Thank you for being good in the store today! Didn't we all have fun!?!"

"I noticed that you said 'please' when you asked for a drink. I really like it when you use your good manners!"

Redirection

When possible, redirect your child to a more appropriate activity or behavior. You do not want the child to always feel like you are scolding her or that she can not do anything right. Redirection is a positive way to end inappropriate behavior. Simply stop the child and redirect her attention to a different activity.

Quiet Time

When a child in my care refuse to listen, she is sent to her room where she must spend quiet time alone in her chair. This is not a time to play with toys, but a time for her to think and be alone until she is ready to cooperate. Often, young children are over-stimulated and just need that quiet time to re-group. I place her in her chair and tell her to have some alone time until she feels better and is ready to listen to my directions. This isn't a time of punishment, but more of a time to calm her and allow her to settle. When she comes back out, she is a different child.

Creating Successful Situations

It is very important to create as many successful situations as possible for young children! Remember, it is the job of a four year old to push the limits and test boundaries. This is a normal, healthy part of her development! It is your job as her caregiver to reinforce those limits while looking for ways to create successful situations for her. Doing so will assist in building her self-esteem and reduce the "power struggles" that so often come when you set limits with a four year old!

Successfully Potty Training: A Stress-Free Plan

Development: Is my child ready developmentally for potty training?
Does she remain dry for a couple of hours at a time?
Is she dry in the morning after waking or after a nap?
Is she starting to pull off her diaper after wetting or soiling it?
Does she have regular bowel movements?
Does she show a curiosity about other's toilet habits?
Does she ask for "big kid" panties?
Am I able to recognize outward signs of needing to use the potty? Does she squirm, squat, grunt, or go off into a corner?
Is she telling me that she needs to use the potty?
Is she asking for a diaper change?

Modeling:

Older siblings can demonstrate how to use the potty, or a wetting doll can be purchased to aid in demonstrations.Remember that some children learn best by demonstration, rather then being told how to do something. It is not appropriate for an adult to demonstrate. If a sibling is not able to help teach her, then use a wetting doll.

Motivation:

Use a wetting doll to help motivate the child. The use a character that the child loves will also help motivate her to use the potty. Enlist the help of a relative or friend. Have her call her favorite character after she has gone potty to share in the great news!

Emotional Needs:

Do not "shame" her into using the potty. Do not criticize for failures. Instead use positive messages such as, "That's okay! You will get it next time!"

Expect accidents. I like to use the saying, "That's okay! Accidents happen! Let's just clean this up and then you'll feel better." Giving a big hug at this point is crucial!

Step 1: Becoming Familiar with the Potty Chair
Begin by placing a potty chair in the bathroom so that she gets used to seeing it here.

Step 2: Invitation to Use the Chair
Present the chair to her. "Look, I bought this chair just for you! Isn't it a pretty color? Would you like to sit in it for a minute?"

Don't push her. If she wants to, then let her. She may sit in the chair at first with her clothes on.

Step 3: Planning Training Time
Set aside several hours each day to stay home and potty train. There is no "part-time" potty training. It is all or nothing!

Step 4: Books
Purchase several books that stay next to the potty which you will read to her while she is sitting there. There are many wonderful books for children about learning how to use the "big kid" potty.

Step 5: Potty Training Videos for Children
There are wonderful potty training videos for children. While many of the songs on them make adults snicker, they are very helpful to children. While she is potty training, allow her to watch this video over and over!

It is better to purchase a video that has real children in it, rather than animated. Who better to teach your children, than other children? "It's Potty Time" is a great video to show children who are potty training.

Step 6: Wetting Doll
Have a tea party, in which she names her new doll. Have her give the doll something to drink, and make sure she drinks as well! Then walk the doll to the potty chair with her. Show her the doll's "big girl panties" and then watch the doll go potty together.

Step 7: Party!
Throw the doll a party after it goes potty. Make a huge deal out of it, giving the doll lots of attention so that the child recognizes using the potty is a good thing. Tell her that when she goes potty, she will have a party too! Let her know that when she goes potty, she can call her favorite character and tell him/her the good news. How exciting!

Step 8: Big Girl Panties
Bring out the "big girl panties" and set aside the diapers for sleeping times only. It is important to be dedicated to this! Understand that it is not convenient and you will be cleaning up accidents. It is important to the child's development that you do this with a cheerful disposition! Remember, no shaming!

Step 9: Fluids
Giver her lots to drink! The more fluids she takes, the sooner she has to go potty!

Step 10: Re-invitation to the Chair
Invite her to sit on the chair. If she does not have to go, tell her that it is okay! Let her get up and walk around. Bring her back in ten minute increments until she is able to go. Remember to use her time sitting on the potty to read to her.

Step 11: Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
When there are accidents, give her fluids. Take her to the potty every ten minutes until she goes. By doing this, you are "muscle memory building". Never criticize, but ALWAYS PRAISE! Learning to go potty is hard work for little ones. Celebrate all accomplishments, both big and small!

Step 12: Time Limits
Do not set time limits on her potty training! Let her take her time. If you rush her through the process, she will become frustrated and revert back to diaper s only.

The Child and Stress

Stressed Out Kids

It is well documented that stress has many negative effects on children. Medically, it has been proven that long-term stress can destroy the body’s immune system. Today’s children are not only required to deal with day-to-day stresses, but many are required to deal with catastrophic events that would be traumatic for wise adults to process in a healthy manner. Divorce rates, lack of happy home lives, stable environments, a media that is consumed with violence, sex, and alcohol are just a few of the many things that weigh heavily on our children. The results are higher rates of school and social dysfunction, drug and alcohol usage, and suicide. So what are parents to do? Well, the good news is that we have the opportunity to begin training our children NOW to handle stress in a positive manner.

Facts About Children and Stress

There are two types of stress your child will face: positive stress (such as winning a soccer game) and negative stress. Too much of either kinds of stress are a bad thing and can lead to distress. It is true that if your child carries a heavy positive stress load, it can cause complications in her life.

Because all individuals deal with negative stress in their lifetime, it is 100% guaranteed that your child will also face negative stress. There are two ways to deal with negative stress: avoidance or management.  Stress avoidance means that because of behaviors and decisions that are made, major difficulty can be avoided. This is a proactive way of preventing stress from happening. However, since some stressors, such as illnesses, failures, job losses, etc. are not avoidable, one must learn to manage them by problem solving.  Managing stress requires inner strength, wisdom, confidence, and  deep faith. These are qualities that people do not naturally develop—therefore it is the responsibility of you, the parent to help put these tools in your child’s “life tool box”.

How your child reacts to stress is more important than how much stress your child has or the type of stress your child has. That is why it is important to begin training your child now, in the early years, on how to deal with stressors appropriately. It is possible for even young children to begin to learn how to handle stress with proper guidance.

Warning Signs That Your Child May Be A Stressed Out Child

There are a number of warning signs that caregivers and parents should be aware of and sensitive to. Again— your child may  not have the ability to verbalize her feelings to you, so be sure to watch for these signs:

• Complaints of constant headaches (should be evaluated by a physician)
• Frequent complaints of not feeling well
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Reverting to Bed-wetting or accidents
• Shyness or unusual anxiety around certain people or one individual
• Stuttering
• Insomnia or Oversleeping
• Drop in School Performance
• Disciplinary problems
• Accident Proneness
• Attention-Getting Behavior
• Moodiness and Irritability

What’s Causing the Stress?

For young children, often sources of stress are caused from circumstances that parents can easily help them navigate and work through. Some common sources are:

• Fear of dark places or of the dark
• Fear of strangers
• Fear of being left by their parents (mommy or daddy will not come back)
• Fear of animals (fear of biting)
• Fear of going to school
• Fear of monsters, ghosts, and other imaginary scary figures
• Once they become aware of death, fear of abandonment—the death of a parent or loved one

 
As children age, the sources of their stress begin to change—becoming more complicated and serious. As children enter into adolescence, they are less likely to talk about their fears. It is imperative that parents maintain open and honest dialogue with their children so that they feel that they have someone to turn to when the burdens become to heavy.  Common sources of stress for teenagers are:

• Death of a family member, loved one, friend, or pet
• Change in family life—Divorce or separation of parents
• Conflict in the home
• Moving to a new home or new school, making new friends
• Picking up on the stress of one or both of the parents, such as work stress, illness, substance abuse, etc. and worrying about how to help
• Problems experienced by siblings—especially traumatic ones (leaving home, unexpected pregnancy, etc.)
• Learning how to have interpersonal relationships, dealing with peer pressure
• Physical problems, including appearances (acne, glasses, braces, and body image issues)
• Performance pressures—school, after-school job, sports, homework, and the demands of home life—especially when parents are demanding
• Substance Abuse
• Puberty

Your Child’s First Line of Defense

I have had parents ask me, “How do I know if my child is really sick or simply stressed.” The best answer I could give you is to say that you should absolutely have your child seen by a pediatrician and have any potential medical issues ruled out. Even if your child is stressed, the stress could be causing a medical problem and that problem needs to be treated. Medical problems create stress and stress creates medical issues. One begets the other and your pediatrician can help you determine the difference. However, if you are noticing more than one of the symptoms above, chances are that something is going on with your child.

Also—trust your gut instinct. No one knows your child like you do. If you are feeling or seeing red flags, follow through in investigating them in the calmest and most non-threatening manner you can.

Anyone who has ever been a part of raising children knows firsthand that when a conflict arises, your child does not want you involved. However, the truth is—it is your job to be involved. you are your child’s first line of defense against stress, evil, and other forces that would tear your child down. Our job as parents and caregivers goes beyond protecting children physically. The Lord calls us to also protect our children against any emotional and spiritual harm. Not all difficulties are harmful, so as a wise parent you must discern what is harmful and what is not; where to step in and where you should not.

How to Help Reassure The Younger Child

One of the things I always try to drive home to parents in coaching sessions is that they should never ridicule their child for feeling a certain way—even if it does not make sense to them. Your child’s feelings are very real to him and they should be respected. Let him know that it is okay to be worried about certain things and assure him that, though he may be scared, a time will come when he no longer will be. It may help him if you are honest with him about some of your fears when you were his age.

Problem solve with your children. For example, if fear of the dark and monsters are a source of stress for your young toddler, take it seriously. Listen intently to what your child tells you about his fear. Look under his bed and in his closet with him and show him there are no monsters there. Perhaps purchase a special child’s flashlight for him to help him through this fear (I am very fond of the dinosaur flashlights that roar when they light up for children who are going through this stage).

Children who are very stressed and struggling with their fears may regress to an earlier development stage, be more dependant on you, and even go back to “acting like a baby”. During this time, be patient and know this stage will not last for long. All children want to “be big kids”. Continue to support him and love him through it (Note: Do not say “Stop acting like a baby”). Once your child has learned how to process the fear, he will go back to his old self again. Once he conquers a fear, be sure to point it out to him so that he realizes his success and can learn from it. When a new fear arises, you will be able to use it as a reference point to remind him that, though it may be scary right now, he will get through this too.

Create a Positive Home Atmosphere

One of the best things you can do to alleviate stress for your children is to create a secure and positive home environment. In today’s high-paced and schedule packed society, this is one of the most challenging tasks you will have because children pick up on their parents’ stress—even when words are not spoken. Some suggestions on what might help you create an environment of security for your children:

• Be cautious not to discuss or express your own anxieties in front of your children. Small children need to be able to be children and are not able to process and handle the stress of your anxieties.
• Practice purposeful parenting by putting your children’s needs before your own.
• Show plenty of affection—hugging, kisses, and other signs of affection are very much needed by your children.
• Take time to listen to your children, giving them your full attention. Show true interest in how they feel and their opinions. After you have heard them out, provide appropriate feedback.
• When you are wrong or have wronged them, ask for forgiveness. Begin setting the example early on that it is okay to admit when you are wrong and ask for forgiveness.
• Nurture interpersonal relationship within the family. Spend time together as a family, but also spend one-on-one time with each child.

We cannot protect our children from all stress, and we certainly cannot prevent stress from entering their lives. However, we can help them learn to navigate this stressful world by providing them with the tools they need, home stability and self-esteem.

Children at Play

What is Play?

Play is the work of children and if we are going to understand children , we must first understand their play and the purposes for it. What is play? One would assume that everyone knows what play is. However, play is much more than sitting down with toys to pass the time. All children are born with the innate urge to learn through exploration. Older children would define play as something you do with friends. Younger children, such as preschoolers and toddlers would simply define play as whatever you or they choose to do. Essentially, play involves anything that does not involve sleeping or activities that are directed by adults.

Play is actually doing rather than watching. It is a process that involves all of the child’s senses: touching, feeling, hearing, seeing, and sometimes smelling—all of which stimulate development. Choices and possibilities are offered along with different ways to explore the world and problem solve. The child follows his own imagination and direction, such as playing with blocks, trucks, balls, or a board game.

Play Changes With Development

In infancy, children will interact with their parents and caregivers. However, as they develop into toddlers and preschoolers, they will begin what is called “parallel play”. In parallel play, children play in the same room but not together. Later, preschoolers will learn how to play cooperatively.

As children grow, their play will become more organized. They will act out familiar scenarios, such as “house”, “school”, and “cops and robbers” or pretend to be super-heroes. As time goes on, they prefer to play with increasingly elaborate rules, such as team sports or board games.

Children play differently with styles varying dependant upon natural changes as they grow. However, play is central to their healthy emotional and physical growth. Adults may not realize it, but most children play most of the time. Adults play too—our toys have just changed and become more elaborate. Life devoid of play would be joyless.

 
Importance of Play

While play is fun for the child, it has a very serious and important role. Play is the child’s way of connecting with the world. It is the way children experiment, learn about the world, and learn to communication.

Play is the foundation of everything that comes later. There are three main functions of play: 1. Play develops confidence and mastery of the world and surroundings 2. Play fosters close emotional bonds with family, caregivers, and friends 3. Play helps children recover from emotional distress.

Children who are successful at playing both independently and cooperatively tend to develop into happier, better adjusted adults. However, a child who is robbed of not only a childhood but of proper developmental growth and will suffer difficulties later in life.

Children who are unable to play are typically in emotional pain. Ironically, children will also often communicate emotional difficulties via play rather than words. Play therapy is a wonderful tool that therapists will integrate into their sessions with children.

Mastery and Confidence Building

Children have few opportunities to exercise power in their lives like they do in play. When playing, children are able to direct themselves, decide what to play, when to play, and also assign roles (often to the adults who boss them around all day). They are able to exercise the power of self-determination.

It is very important to note that when children get to be the boss in role playing, it provides them with a sense of mastery of the world around them. They also get to practice new roles, though the same story may be acted out.

Everyday play is vital to the development of mastery, especially in younger children. Mastery can take place when a child is permitted to test his abilities without being permitted to become overwhelmed. However parents should also try to limit how much they try to protect their child from all necessary developmental frustrations. A child who has a parent who steps in too much when he is frustrated will become unsure of himself and his coping skills may become underdeveloped. He will become anxious in the face of even minor trials and tribulations. This is the prime time to allow some trial and error so that self esteem is developed.  When left to their own devices, children can make things happen when they play which will aid them in experiencing feelings of power, confidence, and competence.

While older children’s activities are more sophisticated, the fundamentals remain the same. They also experience confidence and mastery through play. Further, the older child will learn self-advocacy and negotiation skills when playing with peers.

The Importance of Emotional Bonding Through Play

Play, like any activity, can foster close emotional bonds between parent and child. Younger children will tend to play and bond with their mother and father or other caregivers. This is why playing with your infant is so crucial.

School age children tend to bond with their friends through play. This helps negotiate the new terrain of friendships and builds emotional closeness with peers at school. This is especially important as school age children begin to separate from their parents and become individuals.

If children are not playing, chances are they are not relating well to the adults in their life or there is a problem relating to peers at school. At school—whether the situation is the result of the child or classmates, there is a legitimate cause for concern because this is the time and way he should be learning to relate to others. The child’s parents should intervene.

You cannot be a loving, involved parent without playing often with your children. This is the avenue for parents to learn about the emotional world of their children in a lighthearted, caring manner. Further, it shows your children you have an interest in them and makes for a happier home life.

Emotional Recovery Through Play

Children who are suffering from emotional traumas—as small as a broken doll and as big as a divorce in the family—will benefit greatly from simple playing. Adults work out their stress and emotional injuries in many ways, but most often by talking it out with friends. Children do not have the developmental capability to always express verbally how they are feeling and therefore do not have this option. Even teenagers find it difficult to discuss emotional hurts.


However, God has built in a wonderful coping mechanism for children. They have the ability to recover from emotional pain through play, with older children using play as an opening to learn how to talk about their feelings. Some children learn to overcome emotional difficulties by playing it out just as adults do by talking it out.

        Example 1:

Five year old Jessica loses her grandfather in a tragic accident. After the funeral service, Jessica’s mom oversees   Jessica reenacting the funeral service with her dolls. This is Jessica’s way of processing what has happened and dealing with her feelings.

        Example 2:

 Three year old David overhears his parents arguing loudly. He acts out a similar situation with his toy soldiers but in his version there is a happier ending.

A child may encounter insurmountable challenges in living but by playing them out in the way he chooses, he may be able to cope with them step by step. This way of processing is an unconscious and natural way of coping and healing. Generally, unless it seems harmful to the child, parents should not be alarmed.

Repercussions of Parents Controlling Play & The Overscheduled Child

There is a definitive lack of child-driven independent play in today’s society. What a child chooses to play at is motivated by inner processes, desires, problems, and anxieties. Many parents are bent toward controlling how their child plays. They tend to tell him how and when to use a toy. This causes the child’s development and interest to wane because the project has become the parents instead of the child’s.

Another challenge for today’s children is that sufficient leisure time for self-driven play has been discouraged by mass-produced entertainment, which drives out inner creativity and richness. Time for free play has been reduced to make room for more academics and after school activities. In fact, even schools are reducing recess periods.

I have seen the effects of packed schedules on children. Overscheduled children feel less connected and less in control of their lives. This leads to emotional distress, less family time, and is ultimately detrimental to both the child and the family life. One thing to note is that when a child has a highly packed schedule, it is usually adult driven.

Many highly scheduled children are very successful and are thriving. However they are reacting to the associated pressures with anxiety and other signs of increased stress. Further, the overscheduled child has less free time for child-driven play which is proven to be protective against the effects of pressure and stress. We have created small stressful children who do not know how to handle this stress.

Benefits of Play

There are many benefits to play—free play allows children to use and develop creativity, dexterity, imagination,  and physical, cognitive, and emotional strength. If a child begins complaining “I’m bored”, she may need more time for unstructured play so that she can develop and use these abilities. Educational professionals, medical professionals, and professional caregivers agree that it is very important for brain development.

It is important to note that you want to avoid passive play as much as possible because it does not hold the same benefits. Passive play includes anything involving the television, video games, computers, or toys that do all the work for the child (such as electronic toys). For the sake of our children, it is time we get back encouraging our children to be more active, creative, and—quite simply—children who enjoy being children.